15 When Mordecai left the king’s presence, he was wearing royal garments of blue and white, a large crown of gold and a purple robe of fine linen. And the city of Susa held a joyous celebration. Esther 8
I'm the type of person that wonders and asks questions a lot. Sometimes it's seen as an offense, like I'm questioning authority or trying to poke holes in someone else's argument. I just like getting all sides of the picture clear.
Reading the Bible, I have a lot of those questions, and a lot of those questions aren't answered in other historical texts. I won't know those answers in this lifetime - and that's ok with me. But I'll still wonder.
For instance, what was going through Mordecai's mind when he realized Haman's attack on the Jews was because of Mordecai's actions? Was he immediately faithful in his heart, "That's ok, God can handle anything and we'll get out of this." Was he second guessing himself, "That was a bad idea to not kneel to Haman. What made me do that?" Was he remorseful, "I'm so sorry that I brought this upon my people." Or was he distraught, "I'm a failure. Everyone will know my stubbornness got them into this mess and I've doomed everyone."
There's no way of knowing what it was, all we see are Mordecai's actions regarding Haman's proposed attack. We see that he was rewarded upon Haman's death, when King Xerxes sees the mess Haman had created. Things improved vastly for him, because he kept his faith in God.
He may have questioned things or felt depressed at first, but he got over it. He ultimately trusted God. You and I have the same human struggles. Earlier this week, I felt like I had failed. I was mentally beating myself up for having been unable to lead someone closer to Christ. I was criticizing myself by asking, "If I can't help to lead this person, what chance do I have to lead my children?" I went to sleep (it was really late night when this happened), and the next morning, I felt peaceful. I could hear God telling me that it was one hurdle of many, but to leave my faith and trust in him. He would take care of everything and do what I could not. All was not lost, and I needed to put the situation back into God's hands. He will triumph!
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